Sarcastiholic

2010 NFL Season – Divisional Round – Jets at Chargers

The final game of the Divisional Round is another game that leaves me with nobody to root for as the Jets travel to America’s Finest City and take on the Chargers.

I really hate the Jets. And, to be honest, I am not very fond of the Chargers (specifically Philip Rivers and Ladanian Tomlinson) either.

I’m kind of disappointed in this matchup but I guess that the silver lining is that at least one of these teams will lose.

The Chargers’ high-flying offense will be taking on the Jets’ numero uno pass defense with a trip to Reevis Island. This probably was not the matchup that the Chargers were hoping for. Their strength has been their passing game and the Jets’ defensive strength is against the pass.

Well, I guess that the Chargers can rely on their explosive running game to help carry the day for them. Wait… what running game?

Ladanian Tomlison is averaging 52 yards rushing per game. Overall, the Chargers have the 31st ranked rushing attack in the NFL. For those of you not paying attention, that’s the second worst in the league. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

I think it’s awesome, by the way.

Meanwhile, the Jets have the number one rushing game in the NFL and will be using it against the Chargers’ defense which ranks 20th in the league. That’s a pretty good matchup for the Jets. Thomas Jones and Shonn Greene should be able to put up some good numbers against them.

But the key to the Jets victory on offense will be whether or not Mark Sanchez can make plays down the field. The Jets should be able to control the clock against the Chargers but it will be the passing game that keeps them in a position to win.

Meanwhile, Reevis Island is ready for its next guest when Vincent Jackson steps off the boat and onto shore. If Darrelle Revis shuts down Jackson, then the bulk of the passing game will fall on Antonio Gate’s shoulders. But that might not be enough, so Malcolm Floyd will have to have a solid game.

Philip Rivers is a cocky S.O.B. though, so I expect him to challenge Revis early. I think the Chargers pull off the best game against Revis that anybody has had to date this season, although I can’t expect the numbers to be phenomenal.

I also expect Norv Turner to make some boneheaded decisions on the sidelines and put his team in a position to lose the game. And I expect Rex Ryan to somehow actually continue to gain weight while he is standing on the sidelines thus enabling him to substitute for the Charlie Brown balloon in next year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. And that will be the only parade that he goes to this year.

Chargers pull off the win in what I am guessing is going to be the lowest scoring game of the weekend.

2010 NFL Season - Wild Card - Jets at Bengals

The first game of Wild Card Weekend will be a repeat a Week 17 game (3 of 4 are, actually) when the Jets travel to Cincinnati to take on the Bengals.

The Bengals came out of apparently nowhere this year to win the AFC North title over the reigning Super Bowl champs, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and the Baltimore Ravens who were in close contention for the Super Bowl last year after making it to the conference championship. The bottom line on the Bengals is that they won a very competitive division by sweeping both of these teams. That is no small task, and not to be taken lightly.

Now they have a rematch against the New York Jets who managed to slide into a Wild Card spot. To be fair, the Jets did do what they needed to do by winning games at the end of the season. But, to be truly honest, they had a light schedule at the end of the season and one of those key wins was against an Indianapolis Colts team that sat all of their starters. If the Colts had played to win that game, the Jets would have lost and they would have missed the playoffs.

That being said, the Jets ARE in the playoffs. How they got there isn’t that important. Anything can happen once you get there and the Jets have the number one running game, and the number one defense in the NFL. That makes for a very dangerous combination. What they don’t have is a proven QB and passing game.

The key to this game is going to be Cedric Benson and Thomas Jones (both former Bears, I might add). The only other weapon that the Bengals have is Chad OchoCinco but the Jets have Darrelle Reevis to counter their passing game. The only way to free up the passing game for the Bengals is going to be pounding the ball with Cedric Benson. He has proven he can do it all year, but he has yet to do it in the playoffs.

And the Jets are going to be very confident that Reevis can shut out OchoCinco. So much so, they should be able to stack the box against the run and leave their cornerbacks out alone in coverage. Cedric Benson is going to have a rough day.

The Jets have Thomas Jones who might be the most underrated running back in the NFL. The Bears never should have let him go and most of the fans were screaming from the mountain tops when it happened. Expect him to have a big day despite the fact that the Bengals will also be stacking the box in an effort to force Mark Sanchez to beat them with the passing game.

I expect Thomas Jones to have a better day stat-wise than Cedric Benson but this game will come down to key plays in the passing game. Which side makes them, and which side turns the ball over?

This game is actually a tough call. Both teams are very similar in a lot of respects. But quarterback is the big difference between these two teams and I have to back the veteran over the rookie. I’m taking the Bengals in a tight game over the Jets.

Oh, yeah… Did I mention I really hate the Jets?

2010 NFL Season - Week 08 Picks

Game time is almost here again for the NFL. Once we get through the Halloween shenanigans, we can get back to business and back to the business of making erroneous picks in the NFL.

Denver at Baltimore:
I have to take the Broncos in this one for what may be the game of the week for a lot of people, since not everyone finds the Brett Favre return to Green Bay as the most important thing to ever happen in the NFL.

Baltimore started out hot and heavy, and has since flopped in their last few games. Meanwhile, Denver continued to be hot as they ran to their first 6 – 0 start since the heady days of the Mile High Salute.

Denver’s defense is as good as the Ravens’ used to be and Kyle Orton has been playing a practically perfect game of quarterback to help them achieve this, as his quarterback rating of 100.1 will attest to. He’s not a touchdown machine, but he’s definitely not been playing in a way that will lose the game for the Broncos.

Houston at Buffalo:
I think Houston pulls the win on the road against a good Bills’ pass defense. The defense will pose some problems for the Texans, but in the end, I don’t think Buffalo has the firepower to score enough points to take the game.

Cleveland at Chicago:
I’m taking Chicago, because I always take Chicago to win. I’m stupid that way, as last week’s debacle clearly pointed out.

This game is being considered a tune-up game for the Bears by a lot of people, but I honestly do not know how well the Bears will play this Sunday. They are making some adjustments to their offensive line and linebackers this week, but I am not sure how much difference that will really make.

Chicago will get the win at home against a much worse team, but it won’t really mean much in regards to their status as a whole. After that, the schedule gets pretty heavy and with ten games left, the Bears can only lose another three and still be in a spot to possibly contend for a Wild Card slot.

Seattle at Dallas:
In the beginning of the season, I had picked Seattle to win their division. They won’t. They won’t even win this game. Dallas will pick up another win and creep a little bit closer to the top of a crowded NFC East division.

St. Louis at Detroit:
I’m taking Detroit for the win against the Rams, but I’m not sure that the entire city won’t be burnt to the ground by game time on Sunday.

This season, it seems that the Rams are even more hapless than the Lions and are making a run at the Lions’ infamous record from last season. The Lions could help take the sting out of last years’ record by putting another zero in the win column for St. Louis this week and helping them to become the new poster boys.

San Francisco at Indianapolis:
Hmmm. I guess I’ll go with Indy in this game. The Colts are on a tear and I don’t see them losing to San Francisco this week. The Colts offense is a brutal killing machine under Peyton Manning and their pass D is pretty damn good, too. They will make Alex Smith wish they had kept Shaun Hill in as the starting QB. In fact, Shaun Hill just might go back in, which will start the 49ers’ carousel all over again.

Miami at NY Jets:
The Jets will squeek out a win against the Dolphins this week, but it won’t be easy for them. The only thing that the Jets seem good at right now is stopping the pass, but Miami isn’t a passing team. They will continue to stuff hot dogs down Mark Sanchez’s throat and get the win on a fluke play.

NY Giants at Philadelphia:
The Giants will loose in Philly mostly due to the pressure that the Eagles’ defense will throw at Eli Manning. There are a lot of quarterbacks in the NFL that excel against the blitz. Eli Manning isn’t one of them.

Jim Johnson will look down and smile at the crazy blitz packages that the Eagles will throw at the Giants, and Mama McNabb will dump a cauldron of Chunky Soup over Andy Reid’s head in celebration of the win over the Eagles’ hated rivals.

Jacksonville at Tennessee:
Oh, how the might Titans have fallen. Jacksonville will actually be able to throw TDs again since they are playing against one of the worst pass defenses in the league. The Titans will play Vince Young, who will have another episode. And Jeff Fischer may be forced to shave his moustache as motivation for a team that went 13 – 3 last year, but hasn’t won a game yet this season.

If the thought of Fischer’s naked, pale, hairless lip isn’t motivation enough to get a win at home, nothing will be.

Oakland at San Diego:
San Diego will win this game. Oakland is pretty bad football team, and the Chargers are pretty good at home.

Minnesota at Green Bay:
Yes. The game everyone at ESPN has been frothing at the mouth about since the Favre went to the Vikings is here. It was too bad for ESPN that the first meeting between these two teams was held in Minnesota. But that won’t stop them from acting like it hadn’t taken place and that this is the first “real” time that the two teams have met this year.

Minnesota took the first win, but Green Bay will get the second. Aaron Rodgers is a better quarterback than Brett Favre right now, and it will be the difference in this game. The Favre threw the ball over fifty times in their loss last week to the Steelers. I think they end up doing the same thing again this week, and it will cost them.

The Vikings’ defense isn’t as good as it used to be. They are not getting the dominant pressure from their front four as they have in the past and the loss of Darren Sharper to the New Orleans Saints is a major blow to their secondary.

Carolina at Arizona:
Arizona for the win. Carolina sucks and will continue to suck. (Now, that’s what I call deep and insightful analysis).

Atlanta at New Orleans:
New Orleans will get the win in another good matchup this week. The Saints are playing great on both sides of the ball right now, and I can’t pick them to lose this game.

I can’t see them going undefeated in the regular season, but I can see them only losing two or three games this year. But this will not be one of them.

2010 NFL Season - Week 07 Picks

2010 NFL Season – Week 07 Picks

Another Sunday of fabulous NFL games waits, and this week, just because you’re extra special, we’re throwing in a game on Monday for FREE!

In honor of Week 07 in the NFL season, I am going to throw some extra zany picks your way. Like Indianapolis over the mighty St. Louis Rams, and the New England Patriots over the stalwart Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The rest of the picks and insightful analysis follow…

Still there? Hello?

Damn.

Here are the stupid picks:

Green Bay at Cleveland:
I don’t know what is worse in this game: The Cleveland Browns or the Cleveland Browns. I’ll take the Packers and that dynamic Aaron Rodgers for the win this week.

San Francisco at Houston:
The San Francisco 49ers came out to start the season with a bang. There’s no denying that they were as hot and bothered as I get watching re-runs of The Golden Girls. Oh, Estelle Getty, you minx, you.

Then something happened. It was like finding out Bea Arthur was actually a man and having your whole adult reality come crashing down around your ears. The 49ers lost on the road in Minnesota in Week 03 and haven’t seemed to be playing with the same urgency and fire as before. I know they decimated the St. Louis Rams 35 – 0 in Week 05, but it was the Rams. That doesn’t count. I’m taking Houston this week.

San Diego at Kansas City:
I’m guessing that the San Diego Chargers will try and get some divisional revenge on the Chiefs this week. Oh, yeah. And the Chiefs really suck. That should help the Chargers out a bit.

Indianapolis at St. Louis:
I wonder if the city changed their name to St. Lewis, if it would help at all. Probably not. I’m going out on a limb here and picking the Indianapolis Colts to win by a gazillion points this week.

New England at Tampa Bay at England:
This is the now perfunctory NFL game in the land of tea and biscuits, bangers and mash, warm beer, and bad teeth. I know the Old Englanders hate the New Englanders for that pesky little uprising a couple of hundred years ago, but I’m pretty sure that Bill Belichick doesn’t care. New England puts on the biggest ass whooping seen on the shores of England since that silly French guy rowed over there in 1066 AD. Now that I think about it, both of those guys are named Bill. Hmm.

Minnesota at Pittsburgh:
The Pittsburgh Steelers are a flawed team, but I’m taking them for the win at home against the Minnesota Vikings this week. This will be the first cold weather game for Brett Favre and I have to wonder if he will be wishing for his Snuggie by halftime.

Then again, Ben Roethlisberger could be wishing for an aspirin and a new back as the league’s most sacked QB could have a painful afternoon if Jared Allen has a big game. The Steelers’ offensive line needs to have a solid outing against one of the top 10 defensive lines.

Buffalo at Carolina:
Trent Edwards is sitting in a closet somewhere with another concussion. Without him, the Bills offense is as impotent as somebody watching The Golden Girls. It’s too bad, too because the Buffalo pass defense has been playing really well this year, and if you only give The Golden Girls a chance, you’ll see that it’s really a rather entertaining show. Really.

Carolina gets the win this week and Dick Jauron gets one step closer to sitting in his own closet for the remainder of the season.

NY Jets at Oakland:
This game has already been tagged as a blackout. Sorry Oakland fans, but you will not be seeing this game. Sorry, too, Jets fans. Sorry that you are Jets fans that is.

The Jets will get a win in this one, and Mark Sanchez might even have a decent game again. Then all of the Jets fans can start squishing in their collective underpants again, and re-anoint Sanchez as the greatest quarterback ever.

I would like to note, however, that there are a lot of sports writers that are picking the Raiders to win this game. Some of them are making a valid point that the Jets’ all blitz – all the time style could leave them open to a lot of big plays by the Raiders’ TE (who had the game winning score against the Eagles last week).

That seems to be a lot supposition, though. I’m not entirely sure that the Raiders would be able to sustain that kind of offensive production throughout the entire game.

Not that I wouldn’t enjoy another Jets defeat this week…

Did I mention, that I hate the Jets?

Chicago at Cincinnati:
Yes, of course I’m picking the Bears to win this game. I always pick the Bears to win their games. And I’m always (almost) right. Sort of.

Chad Ochocinco started smack talking on his Twitter account starting on Monday. He got the press he was looking for from it, and now hopefully Charles Tillman can give him some press coverage on Sunday and keep him from doing the River Dance or whatever spectacular end zone dance he has cooked up.

The other big item in the press about this game is that Cedric Benson has been claiming that the Bears’ blackballed him when other teams were inquiring about him after he was cut by Chicago. Cut by Chicago. Let me say that again: Cut by Chicago.

If a team cuts you, don’t you think that you will probably get a bad review from the employer that fired you? For example:

I go into work and take my pants off. I get fired. I send out my resume, listing my former employer, to other companies in an effort to get a new job. My former employer will probably tell anybody asking that I am no longer at the company because I took my pants off. Pretty simple, really.

The problem wasn’t that Cedric Benson took his pants off. The problem with Cedric Benson was that he was never wearing any to begin with. After several less than lackluster years with the Bears, compounded with case after case of off-the-field hijinks (and beer), the Chicago Bears decided to part ways with their former first round draft pick (pick #4 I might add) because he was actually of no benefit to the team.

Good for Benson for getting off his ass, getting in shape, and playing with some enthusiasm (looking for a long term contract). All the best to Cincinnati and Benson on that.

Now I hope the Chicago defensive line and linebackers knock him silly.

The Chicago offensive line is under heavy scrutiny going into this game. The Bears’ lack of a running game (and even some of Cutler’s picks) is being placed firmly on the shoulders of the offensive line in the court of public opinion. This is not just my opinion, but the media, and fans as well are calling for a change on the line. That change is not going to take place. At least not this week. The offensive line needs to play with some passion and go out and punch the Bengals in the face. The Bengals have six defensive lineman on their injury report this week, including their best pass rusher. If the O-line cant’ get something going against this team, this week, then I too will be hiding in a closet by the end of Sunday. As long as I can bring a TV and DVD of The Golden Girls with me.

Another area of concern last week was the special teams. Chicago usually has outstanding special teams play, and the key props to that have to be given to Dave Toub. The failings on special teams in the loss to the Falcons last week were on the coverage. Giving up big plays on the coverage units is just not something that this group does in the five years Toub has been the ST Coordinator.

Atlanta at Dallas:
Dallas is coming off a bye week amid rumors that Jerry Jones was going to fire Wade Phillips. Jones has come out and denied these claims, but what kind of effect can two weeks worth of questions have had on a team already struggling?

As much as I hate the Falcons right now, I’m taking them for the win this week on the road against a maligned Cowboys team.

New Orleans at Miami:
New Orleans has to go in and win this game on the road in the Wild Cat’s den. And I believe they will. The entire Saints team is playing great football right now, and I see that continuing this week as the Dolphins continue to plod their way through games with a ball control oriented offense that has left them with a 2 – 3 record.

If Scott Fujita is not playing LB for the Saints, I think they will have a much harder time containing the Dolphins running game, but I think Drew Brees will be able to keep the time of possession a little more even by staging some long drives.

The Saints are leading the league in interceptions so far, and I predict that they will be adding to their totals this week when second year starter Chad Henne is forced to fling some blindly into the air due to the new and improved Saints’ pass rush.

Arizona at NY Giants:
The Giants will win this game, if for no other reason than because of the beating they took last week in New Orleans. Arizona might be without Anquan Boldin this week, and Larry Fitzgerald hasn’t been playing like the Larry Fitzgerald of the last year’s playoff race.

Maybe he gets his game going this week against a Giants’ secondary that got steamrolled by a plethora of Saints wide receivers, but while it is well conceded that the Cardinals have a fair number of weapons on offense, they are not stacked like the Saints are. It will be much easier for the Giants to contain the Cardinals offense than it was against the Saints.

Philadelphia at Washington:
I promised a wild and crazy pick, and here it is. I’m taking the Redskins for the win against the Eagles on Monday night. I think Jim Zorn gets the win, and makes out with Chucky in the MNF booth. The following day, everyone will say what a great coach Zorn is. Then they will lose next week, and everyone will be calling for his head again.

To be fair, some of the blame for the Washington Redskins can be laid on Jim Zorn. They are doing pretty good defensively, but have not been able to generate any offense. That blame really should go to the owner, Dan Snyder.

If you hand someone a piece of crap, and then tell them to make something out of it, they can give you a model of a bird or some other figure. But at the end of the day, it is still a pile of crap.

This has been the case for the ten seasons that Dan Snyder has been the owner of the Redskins. Give him credit for not being stiff with his checkbook. He is willing to pay whatever it costs to field a winner, but maybe he should have limited his input to signing those checks and let one of the six coaches he has hired/fired in the past ten years (yes, 6 head coaches in 10 years) take the reins for awhile and, oh, maybe hire their own positional coaches, have some input into free agency and the draft…

The Redskins get the win this week, and then the merry-go-round starts back up the following week.

Then again, the Eagles could come off their humiliating loss to the Oakland Raiders, and just beat the hell out of the Redskins. I can already see the ESPN cameras constantly cutting over to focus on Dan Snyder, and already hear the annoying commentary from the booth.

2010 NFL Season - Week 04 Picks

Detroit at Chicago:
Chicago will win this game. They should win this game. They better win this game. Everyone is still going nuts about the Bears’ running game, and Matt Forte’s lack of yards, yards per carry, etc, etc. I’ve read comparisons of Matt Forte to Curtis Enis. Please. Stop that, right now. Some of the blame can go to Forte, but a heaping shovel full needs to be placed on the shoes of the offensive line. They’re easily one of the worst lines in football right now, but there are three new starters this season. They will gel. They should gel. They better friggin’ gel.

Cincinnati at Cleveland:
I have to take Cincinnati for this game. Brady Quinn was benched for Derek Anderson during last week’s drubbing by the Baltimore Ravens. Anderson immediately began throwing picks to cement his position as the starter for this week. I guess you’re damned if you do, and damned if you start either QB in Cleveland. The Browns only have one touchdown so far this year. One touchdown in three games. Maybe that changes on Sunday, but there won’t be enough of them to win.

Oakland at Houston:
Houston will win. I really can’t think of anything too intriguing about this game, unless maybe it’s to see how badly the Raiders can play. I’m already bored with this game, and it hasn’t even started yet. Next…

Seattle at Indianapolis:
Indianapolis should win this game at home with no real problems once the offense gets into a rhythm. That should take about 15 seconds. The Seahawks are still missing a gazillion players, and the walk-on team that played tough against the inconsistent Bears at home will get smoked on the road in Indianapolis. Jim Mora will then blame the loss on one of the assistants for serving the wrong Gatorade. He will then recant his previous statements and switch the teams preferred drink of choice to Powerade. That won’t work either, and he’ll soon replace everything with a new flavor of Snapple that will match the Seahawks’ neon green jerseys.

Tennessee at Jacksonville:
I’m picking Tennessee. At 0 – 3 to start the year, they are quite possibly out of the playoffs already. If they lose this weekend, you can pretty much guarantee that they will not make the playoffs this season. Through three games, these two teams are pretty much even stat-wise. I expect the Titans to pull off the win and keep their hopes alive.

New York Giants at Kansas City:
The Giants held kept their last opponent from gaining a first down for almost an entire game. If this kind of crap keeps up, we may be looking at a Manning on Manning Super Bowl. I can just imagine all of the stupid Oreo Cookie commercials already. I may go live in a cave if that happens. I don’t think I could take it. I’m not too sure that Kansas City will fare much better this week then Tampa Bay did last week against the Giants defense. Their leading receiver is Mark Bradley. Don’t worry. You weren’t the only person who just asked “who?”

Baltimore at New England:
I think this is going to be one of the best games of the week. The Patriots have only played the Ravens four times, and won all of them. The Ravens are lot more dangerous offensively right now then have been. Joe Flacco is playing well right now. His passer rating (yes, I know it’s kind of B.S. stat – but it’s the quickest route to TDs to INTs and passing efficiency) is 101.4 percent. Pretty damn good for anybody and especially for a QB on a team that usually only needed to score 14 points to win a game. Tom Brady is off to a rocky start this year, but that has to be expected. Meanwhile, they are still 2 – 1 going into this game (and could have won that damn Jets game). Don’t stick a fork in New England just yet, because that potato ain’t done cooking. I have no idea whether or not the Patriots will be able to put Wes Welker out on the field. They definitely need him, but who knows if he plays this week. I kind of doubt it, but am still taking the Patriots for the win.

Tampa Bay at Washington:
Next…

Buffalo at Miami:
Buffalo wins this game as the Miami Dolphins try to figure out their quarterback situation. I hate do a “Chad” joke in Florida, but… well, there it is. The Dolphins are trading in one Chad for another. Henne gets the start, with the newly acquired Tyler Thigpen (Kansas City) backing him up, and Pennington being placed on IR. The silver lining of this situation is that Miami finally gets to get a real look at Chad Henne, a second round draft pick in 2008. Henne has a stronger arm than Pennington (who doesn’t?) so he might get the ball down the field and give opposing defenses something to think about. Then again, he’s a second year player who, very possibly, could do diddley-squat. The other plus side is that the sports media will continue to needle Terrell Owens until his head pops. I don’t’ expect as big of a “controversy” this week since the Bills will win, but there will still be plenty of dumb, leading questions thrown T.O.’s way. That might be the only thing that does get thrown his way this week. Sorry about that record, T.O.

New York Jets at New Orleans:
I’m taking New Orleans to win this game over the Jets. The Ryan/Sanchez fairy tale has to end at some point. They are not going to go undefeated this season. Why not have it end in New Orleans? Lots of good intentions have died in that town. Why not this one? In addition, the Jets will likely be without two of their cornerbacks in this game, and Reevis can’t cover everybody on the field. The Jets pass rush can cause some havoc, but the Saints have one of the best lines in football right now. They should be able to make up for the increased, and confusing blitz schemes Rex Ryan will pull out of his ample behind.

Dallas at Denver:
Dallas will get the win and blow Denver’s misleading defensive statistics. The remainder of the Bronco’s schedule is much tougher, and we will see the defensive ranking begin to settle into what it actually is: a mid-level defense. I don’t think that there’s any doubt that this units is vastly improved over last season, but the worst to first scenario is going to end.

St. Louis at San Francisco:
No Frank Gore? Who cares? You have the league’s worst team coming in this week. Run Coffee up the gut until the Rams’ front four pass out. San Francisco should win this game with no real problems.

San Diego at Pittsburgh:
I expect the Steelers to get the win at home. They usually do, and having San Diego experiencing it’s own offensive woes to start the season won’t help. The Steelers have only lost three home games in the previous two seasons. I don’t see them adding a fourth to the Chargers on Sunday night.

Green Bay at Brett Favre:
I expect Brett Favre to pull another win out his Favre. With all of the pre-game hype going into this Monday night matchup, I expect a 13 -10 game with Minnesota winning round one of the Favre grudge match. I almost don’t even want to watch this game because of all of the extra Farve-iness to it. But if I do, I’m turning it into a drinking game and taking a slam every time one of the T.V. knuckleheads says “Favre.” I should have a pretty good sized hangover on Tuesday morning.