Sarcastiholic

U.S. Military Now Working On The Holy Hand Grenade

I just came across this rather interesting article about how a major supplier for the United States military is inscribing references to passages from the New Testament on their rifle sights.

Yahoo! News: Michigan Defense Contractor Has God In Its Sights

Apparently a lot of scopes that are being outfitted to Iraq and Afghanistan contain these references at the end of the stock numbers.

And while this could be determined as an infraction of the separation of church and state as mandated by the United States Constitution, I guess it was only a matter of time before something like this came to light. For years, members of the armed forces would write their own messages on bombs that were being sent against the country’s enemies. It appears that the manufacturers are merely following suit.

I wonder if the British use a similar system for their munitions but with Shakespeare…

Think of the fun they could have:

“A hit, a very palpable hit” – Hamlet

“I must be cruel, only to be kind” – Hamlet

“Cowards die many times…” – Julius Ceasar

“Cry “Havoc” and let slip the dogs of war” – Julius Ceasar

Jolly good, show.

The Squirrel Threat - They Are Everywhere... And Nowhere

A squirrel in Michigan has successfully breached our national security protocols by shutting down a Muncie, Michigan power station and cutting off the power to 1,300 residents.

The Star Press: Squirrel’s Antics Leave 1,300 Without Power

No permanent damage was rendered to the power facilities’ infrastructure, but it has been reported that the power outage clearly ruined a lunch of ravioli being served at a local elementary school where students were forced to eat sandwiches. In the dark.

I haven’t heard much out of the Department of Homeland Security yet regarding this latest threat to the security of the United States but I have to imagine that new referendums regarding squirrel registration will be forthcoming.

This should be just the type of agenda that the Republicans can rally behind in order to continue its fight against the socialist regime of the current Presidential administration and it’s continuing policy of leaving America vulnerable to attack.

I Thought This Bear Was Extinct

Seems kind of silly that we’re still going around and around in circles with the Russian Bear on these things. The Cold War seems like a forgotten problem from a kitschy newsreel in a movie from 20 years ago.

Yahoo News: Russia Says It Won’t Deploy Missiles Near Poland

Don’t the Russians realize that they have bigger problems? Don’t we?

I know some of this is continued fallout from the Bush administration and their continued effort to pump as many dollars into their friends’ corporate pocketbooks by funding every defense system known to man, but it seems pretty silly that we are still going over these same items when both countries have other problems to deal with.

Does anyone still believe that an Iron Curtain will descend across Europe? Are there still hordes of armored divisions waiting to cross Berlin and flood the helpless lowlands of Western Europe? I thought most of that hardware was sold to the US so we could feed the regional conflicts in the Middle East.

Do either of our governments realize that there is no Berlin Wall anymore? Have either taken note that Germany, and the EU as a collective whole, have been eating both of our economic lunches lately? The US can’t even keep their auto industry afloat, or field a solid telecommunications company (we’re all looking at you Motorola), so why are we trying to deploy missiles systems in Europe when they don’t even want them or feel they need them?

Do the Russians realize that their biggest concerns should be their internal economy and their deepest threats are the continued zaniness in the “Stans” and the PRC getting itchy for the land and resources that the Siberian wild to their north represent?

What about the United States? We have as many problems as the Russians, and most of them have nothing to do with the Russians despite their refusal to join us in shaking our fingers at some idiot’s remarks regarding the Holocaust.

Maybe both sides should sit down and watch Rocky IV. There are some lessons in that film that none of us should forget.

If Sylvester Stallone can see these things so clearly, why can’t the rest of us?

Michelle Obama Wants To Get The Lead Out

When the Obama’s stated that they were starting an organic vegetable garden on the ground of the White House, it became a fairly well-covered news story. It was supposed to stand as a statement that the United States was going to be changing its policies of the last eight years, and making a move towards a greener government.

Unfortunately, the garden is falling much the same way as the country, and has become a victim of the sins of its past.

The Obama garden has lost its certified (certifiable?) organic garden rating due to “highly elevated levels of lead” which the National Park Service found upon testing the soil. The garden had been planted in an area where the Clinton administration had previously fertilized using what is referred to as “sewage sludge.”

While the use of such sludge is considered fairly common, the Obama garden will be unable to achieve its desired certification of organic due to these high levels of the heavy metal.

For those that might not know, lead is a highly poisonous compound and is considered a potent neurotoxin capable of damaging the central nervous system, and causing brain disorders.

In fact, the high contents of lead in the White House grounds just may explain the brain damaged administration of the previous eight years.

I always wondered where the Clinton administration deposited all that crap that the Republican led House of Representatives heaped upon them. I could well imagine Newt Gingrich sneaking onto the White House lawn in the middle of the night, and dropping a deuce. He always had the look of a guy that would piss into somebody’s shampoo bottle.

The White House Wants To Stimulate You

“Do you have any hidden desires?” a sultry voiced woman asked.

This is the message that journalists received after calling in for a conference call to London with National Security Advisor James Jones and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. And you thought Bill was the dirty Clinton.

>Yahoo News – Journalists get shock with ’sexy’ White House call

Apparently the wrong phone number was given out to journalists in an email from the White House. Isn’t there a strip club somewhere named the White Horse? Maybe that’s where the confusion came from. I’ll have to look that up.

Somebody probably copied the wrong phone number from the wrong pack of matches. It happens all of the time. It’s like a moment of chance or fate in a Frank Capra movie. Or maybe someone was trying to see if the story from Pretty Woman could really come true.

Reporters were eventually able to get through to the conference line by dialing another number and were eventually able to discuss the NATO summit on Friday, April 3rd. Apparently, that was the whole purpose of the conference call. Not the sex line. But it should be noted that the NATO summit is being held in Germany.

Coincidence? Germany… Sex lines… Germany…

See where I’m going with this?

When questioned about the mix up, White House spokesperson, Thomas Vietor replied to the Associated Foreign Press, “I haven’t dialed whatever number you’re referencing. Please call such numbers on your free time!”

Methinks thou dost protest too much.