Sarcastiholic

Michael Vick On Oprah? Doesn't She Own Dogs?

I was watching the NFL Network and naturally the news turned to the impending release from prison of Michael Vick. They were talking about a statement that the NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, made regarding his desire for Vick to express his regrets. The discussion then turned to Oprah.

Yes, Oprah.

The idea was presented of having Michael Vick go on Oprah and seek attrition on the national stage in front of the high priestess herself.

All praise The Oprah.

The argument was that if he could go on Oprah and have her believe his sincerity, all would be fixed for Michael Vick’s return to the NFL. He would be welcomed back into the fold. He would be embraced by the bosom of America’s televangical conscience. Because if Oprah can forgive, America can forgive.

Next stop after that?

Excuse me, Mr. Davis? Oprah is on the phone. She wants to talk to you about Michael Vick becoming a Raider.

MNF TAKE 2 - Chucky Takes Over For Kornheiser

Kornheiser is no more. Apparently his fear of planes became too much for him to continue to travel during the football season and will be replaced by Jon Gruden. No longer will we have to listen to his annoying pandering during Monday Night Football.

USA TODAY – THE HUDDLE: Jon Gruden To Replace Tony Kornheiser On Monday Night Football

NY DAILY NEWS: Tony Kornheiser Leaves Monday Night Football Booth

ESPN: Gruden Joins Monday Night Football

I would like to think that someone with authority finally came to their senses and realized what a moron this guy was.

My prayers have finally been answered.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the request for the Victoria’s Secret models to show up and give me a spongebath, but this is a damn close second. Okay, third. I am still holding out for world peace.

Even though I am hoping for it, that last one still cracks me up. I have better odds of the models showing up with a bottle of Mr. Bubble than that one.

Fascist Sharks Will Make Your Picks For You

Thanks to Deadspin.com for finally pointing out to me what has been wrong with all of the previous NFL drafts that I’ve watched over the years. Why didn’t I think of a shark? Or that guy from the Iron Chef?

Chances are you’ve probably already read the Deadspin article. Even if you have, read it again:

Deadspin.com: Crack The Fking Skye

My favorite idea is having the top prospects sit on the stage until they’re picked. Or they pick their nose. Just think of the catchphrases that Chris Berman could blab when that happens. It reminds of a couple of years ago, when golden boy Brady Quinn wasn’t getting selected as high as everyone had previously thought. He was then moved to an undisclosed location away from the cameras so he wouldn’t have a nervous breakdown in front of everyone.

I don’t know why I love the Fascist Shark so much. I’ve probably just been sniffing too much White Out at the office. Deadspin should bring back the shark at regular intervals to dispense advice on love, family, and the best way to get your favorite team from using the Prevent defensive formation.

Madden Retires From Football – Ponders Gig As Kool-Aid Spokesmodel

It’s kind of hard to believe, but after thirty years of watching him, I won’t be seeing John Madden broadcasting football. Seeing Madden in the booth every week was just something you got used to.

It was something you just learned to expect. Like seeing Tom Brokaw warbling behind the news desk every weeknight. And like Brokaw, there were things that I enjoyed about always having Madden there and there were things about always seeing him that drove me nuts.

Like his oversized man-crush on Brett Favre. It really seemed to push the boundaries into near idolatry. It also seemed to push the boundaries into near creepiness.

But trying to put that aside, it will still be very odd to me to be going through a football season without seeing him there. Once I really began thinking about it, I had pretty much seen him my entire life. He was either coaching for the Oakland Raiders or doing commentary for the games. That accounts for a lot of Sundays over the years.

For good or bad, it has to be marked as the end of an era.

There are a lot of flat-out Madden haters out there but this was one of the winningest coaches in football history and a deserved member of the Hall of Fame. Believe it or not, the NFL owes this man a great deal. Good luck coach.

I, For one, am just glad that I won’t have to hear the words turducken and Favre in the same sentence ever again.

After about a year, and with only a handfull of episodes from Season 04 to review, the new season begins for what was once one of America’s top shows. It was once one of America’s favorite shows.

Ratings for the show dipped majorly last season, and I can’t expect anything but the same for this season. Too much time has gone between episodes, and it was especially problematic that the season was cut short due to the writers strike.

Unless you are a big, fan of the show, it would be pretty hard to keep a fire alive for a show that no one has been able to watch for a year. But that is what I am going to try and do. Keep interested.

The producers have promised that all questions will be answered in the final two seasons. That’s a lot of questions to answer. I wonder if they will have a Q&A session between the characters.